Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Yukon.
Yukon who?
Yukon a let us in? It’s raining out here!

Q: What was the banker’s favorite
player on the football team?
A: The quarterback.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Q: What’s the difference between a
Christmas alphabet and the regular
alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Q: What happened to the man who
stole a calendar from the store?
A: He got 12 months.

Q: Why was Santa’s helper sad?
A: Because he had low elf-esteem.

Q: What does Santa clean his sleigh
with?
A: Comet.

Q: How long
should an
elephant’s legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground.

Q: What do you call a left-handed dog?
A: A south paw.

Q: What gives you the power to walk
through a wall?
A: A door.

Q: Why did the book join the police
force?
A: He wanted to go undercover.

Q: What do you get when you throw a
lot of books into the ocean?
A: A title wave.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A trash truck.

Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
A: Because it was two tired.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that
doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.

Q: Why did the man take his clock to
the vet?
A: Because it had ticks.

Q: What did the mouse say to the
other mouse when he tried to steal his
cheese?
A: That’s nacho cheese.

Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.

Q: Why did the chicken go to jail?
A: Because he was using fowl language.

Q: What has two legs but can’t walk?
A: A pair of pants.

Q: Why was the math book always
worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.

Q: Which school supply is king of the
classroom?
A: The ruler.

Q: Which vegetable should you never
invite on a boat trip?
A: A leek.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: At the North Pole.

Q: What’s a ghost’s favorite fruit?
A: Boo-berries.

Q: Why did the robber take a shower?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Q: What did the mayonnaise say when
the refrigerator was opened?
A: Close the door! I’m dressing!

Q: What do you call a shoe made from
a banana?
A: A slipper.

Q: What did the apple tree say to the
farmer?
A: Stop picking on me!

Q: Why are there fences around
cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: Where do cows go on the weekend?
A: To the moo-vies.

Q: Why did the pony get detention?
A: Because he was horsing around.

Q: What lights up a stadium?
A: A soccer match.

Q: What’s bigger than an elephant, but
doesn’t weigh anything?
A: His shadow.

Q: Why did the teacher have to wear
sunglasses?
A: Because her students were so bright.

Q: Which bus crossed the ocean?
A: Columbus.

Q: What do you call a pig that does
karate?
A: A pork chop.

Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven eight nine.

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: A fsh.

Q: What do gymnasts, acrobats, and
bananas all have in common?
A: They can all do splits.

Q: What’s a frog’s favorite game?
A: Hopscotch.

Q: What dies but never lives?
A: A battery.

Q: What day of the week does the
potato look forward to the least?
A: Fry-day.

Q: What do you call a seagull that flies
over the bay?
A: A bagel.

Q: What is Dracula’s
favorite fruit?
A: Neck-tarines.

Q: What does a skeleton
order for dinner?
A: Spare ribs.

Q: What’s a ghost’s
favorite dessert?
A: Ice Scream.

Q: How do monsters tell their
fortunes?
A: They read their horror-scopes.

Q: Where does the witch park her
vehicle?
A: In the broom closet.

Q: What is a witch’s favorite subject in
school?
A: Spelling.

Q: Why couldn’t the ghost see his
parents?
A: Because they were trans-parents.

Q: What do you do if you’re a fan of
Dracula’s?
A: You join his fang club.

Q: Where do ghosts go for a
swim?
A: The Dead Sea.

Q: Whom did the monster
ask to kiss his boo-boos
after he fell?
A: His mummy.

Q: What makes a skeleton
laugh?
A: When something tickles his
funny bone.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a
teacher with a vampire?
A: Lots of blood tests.

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the
road?
A: To get to the body shop.

Q: What do witches order at hotels?
A: Broom service.

Q: Why did the Cyclops stop teaching?
A: Because he only had one pupil.

Q: Why didn’t Dracula have any
friends?
A: Because he was a pain in the neck.

Q: Where did the witch have to go
when she misbehaved?
A: To her broom.

Q: What do you get if you cross a
vampire and a snowman?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What’s a ghost’s favorite room in
the house?
A: The living room.

Q: What do birds do on Halloween?
A: They go trick or tweeting.

Q: Which monster is the best dance
partner?
A: The Boogie Man.

Q: What did the turkey stay before it
was roasted?
A: I’m stuffed!

Q: How did Benjamin Franklin feel
when he discovered electricity?
A: He was shocked.

Q: Why did the horse chew with his
mouth open?
A: Because he had bad stable manners.

Q: What’s a tornado’s favorite game to
play?
A: Twister.

Q: What do you give a sick lemon?
A: Lemon-aid.

Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was always on the deck.

Q: Why was the turkey arrested?
A: It was suspected of fowl play.

Q: What smells the best at
Thanksgiving?
A: Your nose.

Q: What kind of weather does a turkey
like?
A: Fowl weather.

Q: What always comes at the end of
Thanksgiving?
A: The letter “g.”

Q: Why couldn’t the turkey eat
dessert?
A: Because he was stuffed.

Q: What type of key is the most
important at Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The tur-key.

Q: Which side of the turkey has the
most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: Are turkey leftovers good for your
health?
A: Not if you’re the turkey!

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The elf-abet.

Q: What do you get if you cross a pine
tree with an apple?
A: A pine-apple.

Q: What type of diet did the snowman
go on?
A: The Meltdown Diet.

Q: What did the snowman have for
breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What did the stamp say to the
envelope?
A: I’m stuck on you.

Q: What did the paper clip say to the
magnet?
A: I find you very attractive.

Q: What kind of flower do you never
want to get on Valentine’s Day?
A: Cauliflower.

Q: What do elephants say to one
another on Valentine’s Day?
A: I love you a ton.

Q: What’s easy to get into, but hard to
get out of?
A: Trouble.

Q: Why is the forest so noisy?
A: Because the trees have bark.

Q: What has an eye, but cannot see?
A: A needle (or potato, tornado, hurricane, etc.).

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wet.
Wet who?
Wet me in, it’s raining out here!

Q: If a butcher wears a size XL shirt
and a size 13 shoe, what does he weigh?
A: Meat.

Q: What did the baker say to his wife?
A: I’m dough-nuts about you!

Q: What did the squirrel give for
Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What do you call two birds in love?
A: Tweet-hearts.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur anymore chocolates left?

Q: What did the monster ask his
sweetheart?
A: Will you be my Valen-slime?

Q: What did the boy pickle say to the
girl pickle?
A: You mean a great dill to me.

Q: What did the farmer give his wife
for Valentine’s Day?
A: Hogs and kisses.

Q: What did the owl say to his
sweetheart?
A: Owl be yours.

Q: What did the calculator say to the
other calculator on Valentine’s Day?
A: Let me count the ways I love you.

Q: What did one piece of string say to
the other piece of string?
A: Will you be my Valen-twine?

Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to
school?
A: He wanted to go to high school.

Q: What are there a lot of when
turkeys play baseball?
A: Fowl balls.

Q: Where do pencils go for vacation?
A: Pencil-vania.

Q: What did the snowman order at
Wendy’s®?
A: A Frosty!

Q: Why can’t skeletons play music?
A: Because they have no organs.

Q: How do you catch an unusual
rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: What’s the best way to talk to a
T-Rex?
A: From a distance.

Q: What kind of music do mummies
like best?
A: Wrap.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken’s day off.

Q: Where can you learn to make ice
cream?
A: At Sundae School.

Q: Why did the boy run around his bed?
A: He was trying to catch up on his sleep.

Q: What do you call an elephant in a
phone booth?
A: Stuck!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny travel?
A: By hare-plane.

Q: What runs but never walks?
A: A hose.

Q: Which flower talks the most?
A: Tulips, because they have two lips.

Q: What did the spoon say to the
knife?
A: “You’re so sharp!”

Q: How did the hairdresser win the
race?
A: She knew a shortcut.

Q: Why are fish so smart?
A: Because they are always in a school.

Q: What did the dinner plate say to the
cup?
A: Dinner’s on me tonight.

Q: What did the circle say to the
triangle?
A: I don’t see your point.

Q: What’s black and white over and
over again?
A: A penguin rolling down a hill.

Q: What’s a rabbit’s favorite kind of
music?
A: Hip-hop.

Q: Where’s a wall’s favorite place to
meet his friends?
A: At the corner.

Q: Where did the king keep his army?
A: In his sleeve.

Q: Why don’t animals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny!

Q: Where do books hide when they’re
scared?
A: Under their covers.

Q: What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
A: Strawberries.

Q: Why can’t the elephant use the
computer?
A: Because he’s afraid of the mouse.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who?
Is there an owl in here?

Q: What do ghosts use to wash their
hair?
A: Sham-BOO.

Q: What did the carrot say to the
mushroom?
A: You’re a fungi (fun guy).

Q: What did the hamburger name her
daughter?
A: Patty.

Q: What do a car and an elephant have
in common?
A: They both have trunks.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome!

Q: Why do cowboys ride horses?
A: Because they’re too heavy to carry.

Q: What is a math teacher’s favorite
type of dessert?
A: Pi.

Q: Why was the cafeteria clock always
behind?
A: Because it went back for seconds.

Q: Why is 1+1=3 like your left foot?
A: It’s not right.

Q: Where do kids in New York City
learn multiplication?
A: In Times Square.

Q: Why did everyone want the music
teacher to be on their baseball team?
A: Because she had the perfect pitch.

Q: Why are elephants such bad
dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet.

Q: What starts and ends with “e” and
only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly, cows go MOO!

Q: What’s a math teacher’s favorite
tool?
A: Multipliers.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No, thanks, I prefer peanuts.

Q: What should you do if your teacher
rolls her eyes at you?
A: Roll them back, of course!

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they have honeycombs.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Pecan.
Pecan who?
Pecan someone your own size!

Q: Why didn’t the oven go to college?
A: Because it had a lot of degrees already.

Q: What did the teacher do at the
beach?
A: She tested the water.

Q: What time is it when you have a
toothache?
A: Tooth Hurty.

Q: How did the boy react when his
turtle died?
A: He was shell-shocked.

Q: What’s a spider’s favorite thing to
do on a computer?
A: Make websites.

Q: What kind of table can you have for
dinner?
A: A vege-table.

Q: What’s a librarian’s favorite type of
bait when fishing?
A: Bookworms.

Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: Between you and I, something smells.

Q: Why did the girl put lipstick on her
head?
A: Because she wanted to make-up her mind

Q: What’s a cannibal’s favorite sport?
A: Football.

Q: What did the ocean say to the
beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What do you call a worm with no
teeth?
A: A gummy worm.

Q: Why was the computer cold?
A: Because it left the Windows open!

Q: Why do eggs hate jokes?
A: Because they crack up.

Q: What type of dog loves going to the
groomer?
A: A shampoodle.

Q: What did the doctor diagnose the
horse with when he wasn’t feeling
well?
A: Hay fever.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the
winter?
A: Because it’s too far to walk.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
There’s nobel, that’s why I’m knocking.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the
ocean and worries?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: What’s the smartest insect around?
A: The spelling bee.

Q: Why did the cabbage beat the carrot
in a race?
A: Because it was a-head.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Leaf.
Leaf who?
Leaf me alone please, I’m thinking.

Q: Why don’t ducks tell jokes when
they fly?
A: They would quack up!

Q: What’s a bat’s favorite pastime?
A: Hanging out with his friends.

Q: Where do polar bears keep their
money?
A: In snow banks.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework
please?

Q: How do bears keep their den cool in
the summer?
A: They use bear-conditioning.

Q: Why was the clown crying?
A: Because he broke his funny bone.

Q: What did the paper say to
encourage the pencil?
A: Write on, good friend!

Q: Where can you always find a
peacock?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: What is a top’s favorite ride at the
amusement park?
A: The merry-go-round.

Q: What is a kitten’s favorite dessert?
A: Mice cream.

Q: Where did the bird go when he lost
a feather?
A: The re-tail shop.

Q: What’s a cat’s favorite nursery
rhyme?
A: Three Blind Mice.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.

Q: Why did the dog keep tripping?
A: Because she had two left feet.

Q: What did the duck say to the clown?
A: You quack me up!

Q: Where do baby pens spend their
day?
A: In their play pen.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little more money for this toy
please.

Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A: A baseball team.

Q: Why is it not a good idea to try to
trick a snake?
A: Because you can’t pull his leg.

Q: What bird loves construction work?
A: A crane.

Q: Why couldn’t the boy go to the
pirate movie?
A: Because it was rated “ARRR!”

Q: What did the
farmer say to
the horse when
he walked in the
barn?
A: “Why the long face?”

Q: What did the students do when
their shoelaces got tangled together?
A: They went on a class trip.

Q: Why do bananas have to put
sunscreen on before they go to the
beach?
A: Because they peel!
A Joke-A-Day

Q: What do you have in December that
you don’t have in any other month?
A: The letter “d.”

Q: What often falls in winter, but
never gets hurt?
A: Snow.

Q: Why did the boy keep his trumpet in
the freezer?
A: Because he liked cool music.

Q: What’s brown and sneaks around
the kitchen?
A: Mince spies.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: I’ll meet you at the corner!

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?
A: To the moo-vies!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go MOO!

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean meat!

Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A: A pork chop!

Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: Because you can see right through them!

Q: What animal needs to wear a wig?
A: A bald eagle!

Q: What do you call a fly without wings?
A: A walk!

Knock knock. Who’s there? A little old lady?
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!